I should preface this with the notion that I love animals , adore them even but know very little about them aside from birds fly , fish swim , cows moo and dogs have wet noses ....that being said a few days ago I was driving down the road in my small car and lo and behold out of the corner of my eye I see a largeish turtle crossing a super mega busy intersection ..no ones stopping or even trying to avoid mister turtle so I slam on my breaks toss the car in park and juke and jive passed cars to make my way to Mister Turtle .

Cars screech and honk at me , weird finger gestures are thrown at me and questions asked about my parentage but no matter I have the turtle safely clasped to my chest and start running back to my car as I note with dawning horror a warm spreading sensation on my chest , looking down I see that my friend whose life I just saved has decided to empty his lil turtle bowels on me ....

Making it back to my car I place Mister turtle (whom is safely tucked into his turtle shell )in the passenger seat , strap myself in and take off to find a lake or body of water to toss him in having no idea where the turtle came from .

about a block away the little scamp decides to come out of his shell and scramble out of his chair onto the floor with a thunk and over towards my flip flopped feet while im driving in busy traffic I try to keep my feet away from him and him away from the pedals but he seems determined I manage to sorta corral him under my chair and manage to pull over near a area with a pond .

Thinking my ordeal was over I try to get him out from under my chair but he seems a bit annoyed and tries to bite me (im not sure if turtles could hurt if they bit you but I wasn't really keen on getting bit and finding out I got turtle rabies ...)

I scrambled into the backseat and prodded him with a flipflop from the backside till he scrambled out from under my chair , I jumped back out ran to the front seat and grabbed the little bastard by his sides as he tried to claw me with his feet and kicked the door closed with my foot .

I ran , turtle held as far out in front of me as possiable , trying to avoid being sprayed with turtle urine , one flip flop on one flip flop off and a still wet turtle urine stain on my shirt .

I reached the edge of the pond and tossed him in unceremoniously where he sank quickly out of sight , mission accomplished I walked back to my car only to find the door was locked with my keys inside .

Fast forward about 45 minutes when a friend arrives having picked up spare keys from my house and I try to relate my ordeal , she asks about the turtle after my story and I describe it as best I can and she makes a laughing noise ..the sorta one where your trying really hard not to laugh but its forcing its way out .

She explains that my friend mister turtle was very likely a gopher turtle and the reason there wasn't ponds near where I found him is that they live in burrows ...they generally as a rule do not go swimming in ponds which sorta explains why he sunk out of sight ...........

I imagine during the summer i'll hear a tapping on my window and like some horror movie it will be a horriably mangles turtle from beyond the grave come to seek revenge ...if your reading this mister turtle I feel really bad about this and honestly really did think all turtles could swim .

until next post this is Deebs signing off